


Things I Never Told You

by Mickleditch



Category: British Actor RPF, British Comedy RPF, Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: Depression, Double Drabble, Drabble Collection, Drabble and a Half, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rare Pairings, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21650248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickleditch/pseuds/Mickleditch
Summary: Obvious though it seemed, John didn't think Tony knew he was depressed.
Relationships: John Sessions/Tony Slattery
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Things I Never Told You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marginaliana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Restricted Work] by [marginaliana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana). Log in to view. 



> Disclaimer: I don't know them and this is all lies.
> 
> Inspired by marginaliana's 'allegory'. I deviate in being slashy. 
> 
> Author's notes: Takes place late 80s to early 90s.

**Things I Never Told You**

John took the approach with his parents of, while they likely knew, they didn't need to be _told._ Sometimes he felt that it was something he should sort out, that if anything happened, there shouldn't be words left unsaid, and then it seemed like an unnecessary burden that they didn't need. So he let the situation go on; spared them the information that couldn't be said because only he could say it.

He also decided, quite early, to spare Tony the information that he wanted to fuck him. 

It wasn't because he didn't feel like Tony might, actually, agree. It was because it would have been nothing to do with sex; rather, Tony's attempt to taste some unquiet pain John had inside. And if that had been touched, had got away from him, he would have had to remember that it was as much Tony's pain as it was his.

**What You Didn't Say**

In the green room: "You don't talk about him very much," John said. Hesitantly; this personal topic that was out of bounds _because_ it was personal. He expected there to be some sudden scream when it was poked, and was faintly surprised when it didn't come.

"Don't I? It makes me sad, I suppose. Always having the memory of being in love. Oh," Tony added, "we're still in love. But it changes, doesn't it? What you mean to each other, precisely. You start having different sorts of needs. You think you've found out how to be happy, and when you're not, you find something new to need."

Obvious though it seemed, John didn't think Tony knew he was depressed. You don't realize the abnormality. John had assumed it was part of the human condition to weigh up the pros and cons of suicide. You didn't know you were depressed, only that existing seemed to take forever, and that you sat in a sort of messy shock. He'd thought depression was about being distraught. Not like a rift. An inability to think. A loss of connection. And he'd struggled to differentiate between that and how he felt much of the time.

**What You Came For**

When John managed to locate the bathroom, there was one person pissing in there, and three, including Tony, waiting. The party had already started to divide into those who were drunk, and those going to the toilet, having conversations with others who were already on their way to the toilet, and being evasive about it in between. Whether you were 'on it', or not. He felt despondent when Tony offered, partly because you can't excoriate someone you're not that close to for their drug use, even when you've heard that they're doing too much of it, and partly because he was too aware of the side of himself that could have accepted.

"I think I'm quite happy about it, really," Tony said. "You telling me _no_ , I mean." He met John's eyes for a moment, and then lifted his shoulders a fraction of an inch. "Somebody should do, shouldn't they?"

**All You Ever Wanted**

After Whose Line, John had lost contact with Tony. They crossed one another's paths; had mutual friends. But the common ground had been lost, the valid _excuse_ to connect, and it was then that the awkwardness had become palpable; of knowing so little of the facts and figures of one another's lives, and understanding some vital part all too well.

And so, later, John didn't know where he should stand. They weren't close, and he wasn't a passing acquaintance either. He didn't want to look uncaring, but he didn't want to just come crawling out of the woodwork. It was such a grey area. 

He wrote one, shit, letter. They'd always known that they could never really talk without going mad. But then it seemed too like he might have let Tony go mad by _not_ talking when he could have. And that made him ashamed, and probably always would.


End file.
